Every marriage has hard stretches. Many couples work through them with time, with each other, and with guidance from a rav. Sometimes a couples therapist helps, and it helps more when a couple goes before the problems have hardened.
When couples therapy helps
Consider it when:
- the same argument keeps coming back and never gets resolved
- one or both of you have stopped raising things because it is not worth the fight
- you feel more like roommates than a couple
- trust has been broken, for example by lying about money, phones or the internet
- a big change is straining the marriage, such as a new baby, illness, a move, job loss, or a child in crisis
- intimacy has become a source of tension or avoidance
- you disagree about how to raise the children and it is spilling into everything
Couples therapy is not only for marriages in trouble. Some couples go in the first years of marriage to learn how to talk about hard things before patterns set.
When couples therapy is not the right first step
If there is abuse in the marriage, couples therapy is not the right place to start. That includes physical violence, threats, control over money or movement, sexual coercion and constant fear of the other person's reaction. Joint sessions can make things more dangerous for the person being hurt, because what they say in the room can be used against them at home.
In that case, the person being hurt should speak alone with a professional who works with domestic abuse. In the US, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233. Several Jewish-community organizations work with abuse in frum families and understand the religious and family pressures involved. A hotline or your local Jewish family services agency can connect you. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.
What the first sessions look like
Most couples therapists start with one or two joint sessions to hear what brought you in. Many then meet with each spouse alone once, so each can say things they might not say in front of the other. After that, sessions are usually weekly and joint, about an hour.
The therapist is not there to decide who is right. They are there to help you see the pattern you are stuck in and practice a different way of responding. Expect homework, such as a conversation to have at home or something to notice during the week.
It is common for one spouse to be more willing to go than the other. That is normal and does not mean it will not work. It helps if the less willing spouse has some say in choosing the therapist.
Common approaches, in plain words
- Gottman Method. Based on decades of research on what separates lasting marriages from failing ones. It teaches specific skills: how to raise a complaint without attacking, how to calm down in the middle of a fight, and how to build friendship and appreciation.
- Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). Treats most fights as a sign that one or both of you feel disconnected or unsafe with each other. The work is to recognize the cycle, such as one pursues and the other withdraws, and to say what is underneath it.
- Imago. Uses structured dialogue where each spouse repeats back what they heard before responding.
Many therapists combine approaches. Ask what they use and what it looks like in a session.
Rabbinic guidance and therapy
Therapy and a rav do different things, and many couples use both. A rav can guide on halacha, such as taharas hamishpacha, and on questions of hashkafa. A therapist works on how you communicate and what is driving the conflict. Good couples therapists in the community are used to working alongside a couple's rav, and some will speak with the rav if you both agree.
If you are worried a therapist will not respect your values, ask on the first call how they work with frum couples.
Choosing a couples therapist
- Look for someone who does couples work regularly, not only individual therapy. LMFTs are trained specifically for it, and many LCSWs and psychologists have added training.
- Ask about their training in a couples method.
- Decide together whether you want a man, a woman, or a husband-and-wife team.
- Check that you both feel the therapist is fair and not taking sides.
You can search the directory for couples and marriage specialties, or describe your situation to the Wellness Shadchan. See How to find a frum therapist for how to check a license and what to ask on the first call.